The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

WHAT HAPPENS TO LOVE AFTER THE WEDDING?

We must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love.

Love need not evaporate after the wedding, but in order to keep it alive most of us will have to put forth the effort to learn a secondary love language. We cannot rely on our native tongue if our spouse does not understand it. If we want him/her to feel the love we are trying to communicate, we must express it in his or her primary love language.

KEEPING THE LOVE TANK FULL

At the heart of mankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love.

FALLING IN LOVE

The average life span of a romantic obsession is two years.

The in-love experience does not focus on our own growth nor on the growth and development of the other person. Rather, it gives us the sense that we have arrived.

Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.

LOVE LANGUAGE #1: WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation.

The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate.

Another dialect is encouraging words. The word encourage means “to inspire courage.” All of us have areas in which we feel insecure. We lack courage, and that lack of courage often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things that we would like to do.

Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse.

Love is kind. If then we are to communicate love verbally, we must use kind words.

When you make a request of your spouse, you are affirming his or her worth and abilities. You are in essence indicating that she has something or can do something that is meaningful and worthwhile to you. When, however, you make demands, you have become not a lover but a tyrant.

LOVE LANGUAGE #2: QUALITY TIME

A central aspect of quality time is togetherness. I do not mean proximity…. Togetherness has to do with focused attention.

Many of us…are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve.

Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking. That keeps your mind from wandering and communicates that he/she has your full attention.

Don’t listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time. Remember, quality time is giving someone your undivided attention.

Listen for feelings. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?” When you think you have the answer, confirm it.

Observe body language. Sometimes body language speaks one message while words speak another. Ask for clarification to make sure you know what she is really thinking and feeling.

Refuse to interrupt. If I give you my undivided attention while you are talking, I will refrain from defending myself or hurling accusations at you or dogmatically stating my position. My goal is to discover your thoughts and feelings. My objective is not to defend myself or to set you straight. It is to understand you.

If you need to learn the language of quality conversation, begin by noting the emotions you feel away from home.

One way to learn new patterns is to establish a daily sharing time in which each of you will talk about three things that happened to you that day and how you feel about them.

Quality activities may include anything in which one or both of you have an interest. The emphasis is not on what you are doing but on why you are doing it. The purpose is to experience something together, to walk away from it feeling “He cares about me. He was willing to do something with me that I enjoy, and he did it with a positive attitude.” That is love, and for some people it is love’s loudest voice.

LOVE LANGUAGE #3: RECEIVING GIFTS

A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or, “She remembered me.” You must be thinking of someone to give him a gift.

If your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts, you can become a proficient gift giver. In fact, it is one of the easiest love languages to learn.

If you discover that your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts, then perhaps you will understand that purchasing gifts for him or her is the best investment you can make. You are investing in your relationship and filling your spouse’s emotional love tank, and with a full love tank, he or she will likely reciprocate emotional love to you in a language you will understand.

Being there when your spouse needs you speaks loudly to the one whose primary love language is receiving gifts.

Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts.

LOVE LANGUAGE #4: ACTS OF SERVICE

Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.

Before marriage, we are carried along by the force of the in-love obsession. After marriage, we revert to being the people we were before we “fell in love.” Our actions are influenced by the model of our parents, our own personality, our perceptions of love, our emotions, needs, and desires.

People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. Their criticism is an ineffective way of pleading for love. If we understand that, it may help us process their criticism in a more productive manner.

LOVE LANGUAGE #5: PHYSICAL TOUCH

Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love.

If your spouse’s primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding her as she cries.

DISCOVERING YOUR PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGE

Most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with physical technique but everything to do with meeting emotional needs.

If she feels loved and admired and appreciated by her husband, then she has a desire to be physically intimate with him. But without the emotional closeness she may have little physical desire.

Three ways to discover your own primary love language:

1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
2. What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
3. In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.

LOVE IS A CHOICE

Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different. When we choose active expressions of love in the primary love language of our spouse, we create an emotional climate where we can deal with our past conflicts and failures.

Meeting my wife’s need for love is a choice I make each day. If I know her primary love language and choose to speak it, her deepest emotional need will be met and she will feel secure in my love.

LOVE MAKES THE DIFFERENCE

Love is not the answer to everything, but it creates a climate of security in which we can seek answers to those things that bother us. In the security of love, a couple can discuss differences without condemnation. Conflicts can be resolved. Two people who are different can learn to live together in harmony. We discover how to bring out the best in each other. Those are the rewards of love.

Can emotional love be reborn in a marriage? You bet. The key is to learn the primary love language of your spouse and choose to speak it.

CHILDREN AND LOVE LANGUAGES

When children are little, you don’t know their primary love language. Therefore, pour on all five and you are bound to hit it; but if you observe their behavior, you can learn their primary love language rather early. This material may be protected by copyright.